Thursday, August 16, 2007

I just need to write

I just felt the need to write , something, anything...maybe something foolish, maybe something deep, it doesen`t really matter. I need to do something that can "wake me up when september ends"... all I can do is taking some rock dozes, as I decided to quit smoking for a little while. I know, I lied to the priest by saying that i will quit them without mentioning if it would be forever or for just a short while, in fact quite a long while...and I feel ashamed, i feel miserable for doing this, but I guess that the lie lingered within me slowly, by comforting my conscience.
"We are the children our parents warned us about", indeed we`ve inherited all their flaws, all their fears. I feel that all their old-fashioned and preconcieved beliefs have crept into my own system of convictions, and all I can do now is fight against them, against me, I`m aware that I can distroy myself by doing this, but if I don`t do it I may become just a copy of them.
I use to fall in love, get hurt, retire, but I can`t surrender the fortress within me, though all the wounds are very serious, I know that I can`t stop, I can`t fall on my knees, I can`t leave anything to bring me down, to defeat me.
We are the young people who still have a feeling of revolt against the ones who don`t bother looking beyond the wrapping. And we were told what we would become, and meanwhile to beware ourselves because all the things that are extremely bad or good come from the inner of our mind and spirit, because both of them are free.
On the one hand a free mind is able to scrutinize the most hidden desires and fears, and thesewishes could be hard or impossible to accomplish, and this brings unhappiness, frustration, despair, the sensation that you are on the edge of a bridge or an abyss without being able to find a point of equilibrium, someone or something to avoid your falling down and the crushing of your soul. The body isn`t anything else but the front-cover of the soul, and the bodily needs once appeased don`t bring happiness. The body is the one that generates the weaknesses. And the weaknesses can easily be amplificated because you can see that a good sex party can`t bring you nothing else but a discharge of the worst things that lay inside of you, but not happiness; but it makes you feel good for some minutes, and that`s why you can`t give up to this lil` pleasures. Happiness comes when you make love, because it`s all about giving, offering without asking for nothing in exchange, because everything is natural, without making any effort to please the other, as all your wishes are focused on his pleasure, because all your actions are ment to make him or her happy, and the lover`s happiness is making you feel great too.
In consequence our most burning desires are the ones that can bring us the highest sensation of happiness or to throw us in the deepest precipe of dispair. Without love, people are in withdrawal, because this feeling generates a kinda addiction. That`s why the most ferocious fears lay in ourselves, because the reality is relative, you can never get to know somebody completely, so you can be thrown away as a broken puppet when you less expect this to happen...uncertainity is something each one must learn to live with...

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